why am I always so awkward at events?
What to do when small talk makes you sweat
Anyone older than 5 knows life is full of opportunities to mix and mingle in social situations.
But if you have social anxiety, events can feel incredibly overwhelming.
First of all, if this is you, it’s important to give yourself permission to limit your social RSVP yes responses.
Sure, you want to be part of the festivities, but if you’re going to drink too much to try and calm your nerves, it’s a recipe for office rumors.
I’m giving you permission to say no to a social event as long as you’re not isolating and declining all the invites. After all, if social anxiety leaves you feeling drained and unable to manage the rest of life, then you need to be mindful of your boundaries around socializing.
Social Anxiety is really a form of Performance Anxiety
The underlying cause for many social anxieties is a worry about how others will perceive you.
Fear of judgement can be a powerful force.
Assuming the anxiety is connected to fear of judgment (and not a trauma-based anxiety about feeling physically unsafe in public), you can take steps to feel less stressed in the public eye.
Choose the events that you truly feel are important (including events that may not be optional).
Marie Kondo the events that don’t spark joy.
For the social functions you decide to (or must) attend, memorize these 3 sentences to alleviate some of the stress you feel when faced with the expectation for small talk.
Shift the focus with a question
Open-ended questions are your best bet…they help keep the conversation flowing and leave less room for the dreaded awkward silences.
In the moment, it can be challenging to think of open-ended questions… so keep these 3 examples in your back pocket (figuratively or literally… no judgement if you take this list and sneak off to the restroom to read them as a reminder mid-event!).
3 questions to use when have
How to Make Small Talk With Less Anxiety
1. What plans do you have for (insert upcoming holiday or weekend)?
This is an oldie but a goodie.
If the person has exciting plans, they’ll share.
Even if their answer is “nothing,” people will often elaborate as to why they are taking time away from the social scene (we’ve been busy at work, last week was hectic, etc.).
If their answer is “nothing,” and that’s all you get, you can encourage them to elaborate by asking, “how do you feel about having the (holiday, weekend, etc.) free to yourself?”
2. What good books have you read/shows have you Netflixed/ movies have you seen lately?
Asking someone’s recommendation shows you value their opinion.
To continue the conversation, you can follow up with, “what is it that you like about that book/genre/movie/show/etc.?”
3. What’s the most memorable place you’ve traveled?
If they don’t have an answer, you can ask where they’d like to go someday.
Follow up questions to keep the conversation flowing are things like, “what was it that made that trip so special/memorable?” and “do you plan to ever make that trip again?”
will this work for my social anxiety?
The point of small talk is to keep the interactions short and sweet.
Try sticking to just one or two questions per conversation, then politely excuse yourself to the buffet, restroom, bar, etc. and include a sweet, “It was nice chatting with you,” to signal to the other person that you’re moving on.
Find another new person, and start the process again.
The party will end and the guests you talked to will leave feeling grateful that someone like you took an interest in getting to know a little about them.
Remember, the key is to ask open-ended questions (instead of yes/no questions).
a quick story about trust
i’m with you so far…then what?
so what went wrong?
I assume there’s a connection to therapy in this story?
what do I need to do to find the right counselor?
Check out the websites of your prospective counselors…look for information on any specialty areas, read the “about me” pages, browse any blog posts… all of these will give you a better picture of who this counselor is and who she (or he) serves best.
- Ask if there’s a free phone consultation. A phone call is an opportunity to speak to him or her and see how comfortable you feel. Ask any questions about charges, scheduling, hours of availability, familiarity with your concerns, etc.
- Remember that as tempting as it is to price shop, your goal is healing, and going with the cheapest option can’t guarantee a healing relationship (that being said, it doesn’t rule it out, either…which is why these points are key!).
- If you’re seeking services for your child, inquire about communication and updates between the counselor and you, the parent. It can feel mysterious to send your child back to the office while you wait in the lobby, then leave without any idea as to how things are going. Different counselors handle it different ways.
- If you’re comfortable sharing any details with friends, ask around for referrals…but keep in mind that just because your friend LOVED her experience with a certain therapist doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right one for you.